The Potted Plant
by simon lewis
Summary: Remus gives Sirius a plant in their third year. Hilarity ensues! Oneshot.


**A/N: Welcome to another new story! This is a oneshot about one of Sirius' crazy shenanigans. Hope it makes you laugh!**

 **xx Emmy**

* * *

 **The Potted Plant**

"Oi, Moony. What's that you've got there?" Sirius Black asked his friend, staring at the oddly shaped cactus sitting on his bedside cabinet.

"It's a _Mimbulus Mimbletonia_ ," Remus Lupin replied.

Sirius stared at him blankly.

"Is that supposed to mean anything?" he asked.

"We learned about this in Herbology, Padfoot," Remus said, sighing at his friend's stupidity for what seemed like the millionth time.

Sirius chuckled, "Right, Moony. You know the day I pay attention in that class is the day Wormtail betrays us to old Voldy."

"In other words, never. You know, Pads, if you want to know more about the plant, you can have it," Remus said, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Really? Thanks, Moons!" Sirius exclaimed, snatching up the plant and placing it near his own bed. He leaned close to it, and poked it gingerly.

The next second, screams of "I CAN'T SEE" and "NOT THE HAIR, MOONY, _NOT THE HAIR_ " could be heard from the Gryffindor common room, startling James Potter from observing Lily Evans doing her homework.

He jumped out of his spot near the window and dashed up the stairs. Whenever Sirius Black was yelling about his hair, the rest of the Marauders knew there was a _sirius_ emergency.

He opened the door to the third year boys' dormitory to find everything covered in a dark green slimy liquid.

"What the hell happened in here?" he shouted.

Remus and Sirius were both covered in the substance. While Remus was laughing at Sirius' obvious discomfort, Sirius was far from amused.

"REMUS LUPIN! You DID SOMETHING to that STUPID PLANT, didn't you?" he shouted angrily.

"Sirius, I told you. The plant's a _mimbulus mimbletonia_. That's what happens when you poke it. You really should pay attention in Herbology," Remus said, reigning in his hilarity.

Sirius glowered at Remus and grumpily _scourgify_ 'ed the room.

"You know, the plant might be useful in some situations," James commented.

Sirius' eyes brightened. "Two words. Prank Snivellus."

* * *

After Sirius had gotten used to owning The Plant, as the Marauders had taken to call it, he drew up a careful watering and sunshine schedule for it. Between lessons, he darted up to the boys dormitory to take care of it.

The other Marauders were extremely surprised and impressed by Sirius' care of The Plant. After all, Sirius treated most things like they were dispensable.

The Plant also caused Sirius Black to be found in the library for the first time in Hogwarts history.

Remus had been walking through the stacks in the library, browsing for a Herbology book, when he came across Sirius, standing in the middle of the aisle, with his head lowered in a book.

Remus froze for an indefinable amount of time. Coming to his senses, he sprinted to his table and rummaged through his bag for the Marauder's Map.

Quickly murmuring " _I solemnly swear that I am up to no good",_ Remus found James Potter and Peter Pettigrew in the kitchens, no doubt having a snack before dinner.

He ran, faster than he ever had before, to fetch them.

Barging in the kitchens, James jerked up from his plate of cookies, shouting "Where's the fire?"

Remus panted out, "Sirius has gone _mental_."

James' eyes widened in fear. "What happened, Moony?"

"He's in the _library_."

Peter and James gasped in shock.

" _What?_ Are you sure it was him?" Peter said, astonished.

"Yes! I'm not joking. This is an emergency. We've got to go. He's been impostered!" Remus shouted.

"Let's go!" James shouted, equally panicked.

The three boys raced through the halls, pushing aside the other students in the corridors.

"No running in the corridors, Potter!" yelled Lily Evans.

"Only if you go out with me!" James shouted back, without stopping.

"Potter! Get back here!" she yelled.

It was too late. They were already gone.

The three boys skidded to a stop outside the library. Remus motioned for the others to follow him inside, tip-toeing to the place where he had last saw Sirius.

He was still there.

James' and Peter's eyes widened at the peculiar sight.

"I thought he didn't know where the library is!" James whispered.

"What do you think we should do?" asked Peter.

"HEY, YOU! WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH SIRIUS BLACK?" James shouted without preamble.

Sirius' head jerked up. "Oi, mate, I didn't see you there. What's up?"

The three Marauders gaped at him as Madam Pince whipped around the corner. "Quiet, Potter, or I'll kick you out of the library!"

Ignoring the librarian, Sirius prompted, "Er, Prongs? Moony? Wormtail?"

"What are _you_ doing in the _library_?" James asked weakly, leaning against the bookshelf for support.

"Oh! I'm researching the _mimbulus mimbletonia._ Did you know they have to be prodded every month in order to grow healthily?" Sirius asked.

He was met with blank stares.

" _Merlin_ ," Remus whispered.

"He's changed so much," Peter said, nodding.

"I'M SO PROUD OF YOU PADS. YOU'RE GOING TO BE A GREAT POPPA!" James said, tearing up.

"That's it. Out! OUT!" Madam Pince screeched.

* * *

One day, not long after Sirius began calling The Plant his baby, James decided to prank him. This was a bad idea.

James had grown tired of Sirius spending all of his time tending The Plant. He believed that The Plant had corrupted his best friend into a library-dwelling, research-loving, Remus Lupin replica.

In his opinion, this was not okay.

James decided to have a little fun with Sirius' obsession with the little plant. He called up a store in Hogsmeade and ordered another _mimbulus mimbletonia._ To his eyes, the two looked identical.

James replaced The Plant with The Replica, excitedly awaiting the moment when he would prove that The Plant was not all that important to Sirius when he couldn't tell the difference between the two.

Boy, was he wrong.

Within an hour of the switch, James had watched Sirius dart upstairs from the Gryffindor common room to tend to his baby.

This is it, he thought. We'll see how much Sirius cares about that stupid plant.

"AHHHHHHHH!" A yell sounded from their dormitory.

James' face paled.

"JAMES POTTER! YOU BLOODY GIT, GET UP HERE RIGHT NOW, YOU BUGGERING SOD!"

James closed his eyes and prayed for mercy. He slowly arose from his seat in front of the fireplace, unaware of the stares from everyone in the room.

He was walking to his death.

James ascended the stairs slowly, trying to delay his end. When he finally reached their dorm, he pushed open the door, faking a smile.

"What's wrong, Padfoot?"

"Oh, don't you 'Padfoot' me," growled Sirius. "WHERE DID YOU PUT MY BABY?"

"Under my bed," James squeaked, cowering under Sirius' lethal glare.

Sirius scrambled under James bed and retrieved his plant.

"If you ever pull something like this again, I'll tell Evans that you snuck into her dorm and took a picture of her sleeping," threatened Sirius.

James paled even further. "PADS!"

"I don't want to hear it, Potter," Sirius said, turning his nose up at him. "NOW GET OUT!"

James backed up a few steps, knowing it was extremely unwise to face Sirius during his bad moods.

"Oh, Potter, you thought you'd get away that easily? _Furnunculus!_ " Sirius yelled.

Large red pimples and boils popped up on James' skin.

"Now leave," Sirius ordered disdainfully.

James knew he could've fought Sirius. But it was a Marauder rule that when one Marauder committed a serious crime against another, the violated one could retaliate with whatever he wanted.

And of course, stealing Sirius' baby was a sirius crime.

The next day, all of James' boxers had disappeared.

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 **A/N: Did you guys like this? I was inspired by a headcanon on Tumblr. Please leave a review if you want more oneshots like this!**

 **Xx, Emmy**


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